If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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