We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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