I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Randomize
