I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
