I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
why do cheetos always look like penises
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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