M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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