70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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