btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
