This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
