How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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