I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
