Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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