I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
