I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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