i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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