Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
