Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
