On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
