we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
