Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
