Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
