I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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