I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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