I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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