I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just pee around me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
