I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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