Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish I only lived at night.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize