I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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