My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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