My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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