Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
