when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize