I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
