Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
