JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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