So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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