She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
