I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
