So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
