I want to walk on stilts...naked
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
