she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
