the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize