I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We just shotgunned beers for America
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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