P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
