Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
