alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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