I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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