We named our party play list daddy issues
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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