I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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