"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This house was built for laser tag.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize