Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
