these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
