I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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