dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
