my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
