I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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