saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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