Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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