You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
