watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
