Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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