toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
