I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
