I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
His nipple licking is glorious
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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